Tension and conflict within a relationship is often times inevitable. How we deal with the tension with our partner will help determine the health of our relationship. Unfortunately for some, we do not know how to deal with tension when it arises and develop unhealthy and potentially destructive ways of relating with our partner. There are four destructive patterns which may develop when tension arises. They are as follows:

• Escalation - One partner says or does something negative and the other partner responds negatively. Back and forth it goes with frustration, anger and negative comments escalating. The original issue is often lost in the midst of the tension.
• Invalidation - One partner subtly or directly puts down the other partner's thoughts, feelings, actions or values. This is done through belittling comments or disregarding what is important to their partner.
• Negative Interpretations - One partner's motives and behaviours are consistently interpreted more negatively than what the partner intended
• Withdrawal / Avoidance - One partner withdraws ore avoids conflict and difficult issues, while the other partner pursues resolving the conflict and discussing the issues within the relationship. Generally, the more one withdraws, the more the other pursues and vice versa, which results in a cycle frustrating for both.

You may recognize some of these patterns in your relationship. Awareness and wanting to change is a good first step. Discuss the negative patterns with your partner and ways you can change. This information was taken from a book "A Lasting Promise".

Janet Purdy