A common characteristic we have when someone shares something about an experience they are going through and their feelings about it, is that we will offer suggestions in how they can solve what they are sharing. The problem which arises is not that we want to help, but rather that this is not what the person is wanting from us. They are not asking us to fix their problem, but rather to listen to them. So how can we be a better listener and communicate that we accept the other's feelings? The following are some suggestions:

• Minimize distractions and interruptions (i.e. turn the T.V. off, let the answering machine pick up the incoming calls)
• Maintain eye contact. Look at the person while he/she is talking and e interested in what he/she is sharing.
• Reflect back and clarify what you have heard the person share
• Explore what the person has said and his/her thoughts and feelings surrounding it.
• Try to really understand what the person is sharing and where he/she is at in the midst of it.

Any defensiveness on the part of the listener will block good listening from taking place and the acceptance of feelings.

Janet Purdy